Doing what you like instead of what you *want* to like
It’s one of those life lessons we’re taught in elementary school – be yourself – but somehow, at 29, I’m feeling a familiar pressure to like certain things just because my friends like them.
I read The Happiness Project a couple months ago and the author wrote about the difference between doing things you like and doing things you want to like. Which even now, sounds stupidly simple. Her example was that she preferred staying in to going out. She really wanted to like socializing all night, but when it came down to it, she preferred to park it on the couch with a book and enjoy a quiet night in.
I’ve found myself thinking about this a lot lately. I’m single, childless and in my 20s and part of me wishes I enjoyed gallivanting all over town and getting smashed – it sounds fun and I enjoy a night out occasionally, but I find that I’m most happy at home, working or reading.
I’ve found myself having to explain my choices to friends and actually felt bad for my preferences – like I’m lame or boring or a hermit if going out and raging every weekend isn’t at the top of my priority list.
So I’ve been reminding myself it’s OK to like what I like and I should be happy with my choices even if others think I should like something else.
Here’s what I really, truly like: reading a book a week, organizing my spreadsheets & editorial calendar, cooking a fancy dinner, working while watching a whole TV series (Weeds, Parenthood, Battlestar Galactica, SATC, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad), Boss Business Lady brunches, searching for costume inspiration and hour-long stretching sessions.
What do you like?
01.02.13 in life
i love how you titled this post, it’s such a great way of putting it! refreshing. thanks for the reminder.
This is exactly what I am going through! I’ve had to deal with it since I graduated from college. A lot of the people in my life are still in school so what they like and what I now like has changed. I work full time, am trying to grow my personal business, and manage my relationships too (while maintaining my sanity). I used to enjoy spending time out with friends every other night but with the changes in my life my goals changed. I like spending my “free time” doing something creative and productive even if it means I stay home alone on a Friday while my friends are out for the night. << it's not because I'm lame it's just because I have goals!
<3__Jessica
Exactly! I’m a huge goal setter and most of my friends are not, so it’s difficult for them to understand why I spend so much time working, but I love it!
Argh! This sounds like me down to the gorund, I like nothing better than getting stuck into work and spreadsheets of an evening when the rest of my friends want to go out, all of my closest friends have children and I fell like they preassure me about the fact that I don’t have a baby yet. I’m only 24! I have a good job a nice little business on the side and they don’t undertsand why I enjoy working so much, they’ve even said – ‘if you just have a baby you wont have to work all the time!’ they don’t understand that I love what I do lol
I am the same way! I love staying in and being a hermit over going out and getting smashed. It just was never my thing and I loved staying in on weekend nights watching movies and painting my nails. I am constantly trying to explain this to certain family members but it’s like smashing your head against a wall on repeat. They just don’t get it.
Now that I’m 30 I am refusing to explain myself furthermore. I am who I am and I’m no longer explaining why I do things.
Oh and it was the book Happier by Tal-Ben Shahar (A Harvard professor who teaches a class on happiness- the most populated college class in the country) that changed my whole look on life. The Happiness Project has been on my to-read list for some time and now, after your suggestion, I’m bumping it up on my list. I bet I’ll enjoy it as much as I did “Happier.”
I have had this same discussion in my head and had to explain many times to others. Sometimes I get tired of explaining. When I was in the military, in the dorms, my friends went out every night. They went to either a club, movie theater, party or bowling alley. They would come knock on my door and ask me if I wanted to come. I would have to explain 1) I’m too cheap for most of those things and 2) I’m just not interested- they don’t excite me. They started joking and calling me a hermit. At first it used to bother me and then I started to consider it an honor because I began enjoying not being a part of the majority. ;) Eventually though, I stopped answering the door and they got the point.
However, it did take me some time to say, you know what this is me, like it or leave it. I’m also in my 20′s, currently 28, and people I know are out having kids, buying houses and or getting wasted. I have no interest in those things (well, scratch that, I do eventually want a house). I allow myself one out to eat a month. I probably see maybe five movies in theater in a year. But you know what, I really look forward to those things when I do them.
What I prefer to do is: read a good book (as many as possible) while drinking some tea, sit outside on my apartment balcony with my laptop pinning ideas on Pinterest and typing up blog posts on topics I’m passionate about, planning my future store and how we can get to a point where my husband can quit his job (which by the way, your “Escape Plan” post was really inspiring to me- it’s how I found your blog, why I’ve been following. and I will be sharing that post in an upcoming post of mine), doing DIY projects, working on my first novel and playing around with the written word, finding my style of writing, cuddling with my cats literally spending an hour just playing with them, (and like you) watching a show beginning to end or rewatching all seasons of Buffy for the 50th time, and just hanging out. There are so many conceptions and judgements about staying inside, that you can only have fun when you go out and I’ve been out to prove that wrong for some time now. That and there is a conception on certain things you have to do when you go out that “qualify as” cool or fun. For example, I’ll take a hike through nature than a bar hop any day.
So really, great post on a topic that needs discussing!
Cheers! ~Aubrey
Some friends and relatives think I’m crazy when I say I’d rather cook dinner at home than go out to a restaurant, or how I would rather sit on the couch and do a marathon Breaking Bad or Friday Night Lights session than hit the town. I’m comfortable in my home and worked hard over the last few years to make it just how I want it. Years and years ago in my early 20′s after a breakup from a long relationship, I purposely took 2 years off from dating and just allowed myself to figure out who I really am and what makes me tick… what truly fullfills me or makes me happy. It was one of the best deicisions I ever made and taught me the power in saying NO. I’ve never read the Happiness Project, thinking I should.
You should definitely read The Happiness Project – it isn’t anything ground breaking but it gave me just the motivation I needed. And you hit on another good point – when you put a lot of effort into creating a home you love, why wouldn’t you want to spend a ton of time there??
You know I’m totally with you on this. Everything on your list of things you like sounds better than sweating in a packed bar where you can’t hear your friends talk and it smells like smelly feet and Axe body spray. Those nights are great on occasion, but I can’t do it on the regular anymore. Sometimes I get sad to think about that because I’m only 26 and I should be taking advantage of my ability to do that, but I’d rather drink at home with a few friends and spend the next morning on a Netflix bender.
Yep – I keep thinking, ‘I’m 29, shouldn’t I like this stuff??’ But I don’t, so I’m glad I have friends who will hang out and be boss business ladies with me.
I feel the same way when it comes to TV shows/bands/movies I think are stupid but EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER just loves. For a moment I think, “maybe I should try to get into this like everyone else,” but then I remember that I don’t care and go back to reading Tom Robbins and listening to The National.
Yes, totally agree. Some of the most popular shows and movies I just cannot get into. For me, it’s stuff like Old School & Meet the Parents – I’d much rather watch a documentary or something with super heroes.
Great post! I completely agree with you. When I was younger I used to spend my time trying to please others, doing things I didn’t enjoy just to ‘fit in’ as it were, now I please myself as selfish as that sounds. I prefer staying in too. A lot of my friends watch reality TV and go out drinking most nights, I prefer reading, crafting and generally being a bit of a geek but I much prefer being me!
I spent a lot of time trying to go with the flow and do what my friends wanted to do as well. Sometimes I don’t mind it, but most of the time now I just say ‘no thanks’ and do my own thing.
I completely understand and couldn’t agree more! I dob’t think friends who really like going out really believe that you’re telling the truth when you say that you’d rather stay in – mine always insist something must be wrong. I find as well that unless it’s a special occasion I spend most of the night thinking ‘I could be doing [this] now’. I honestly do prefer reading or writing or spending time looking after my animals to going out to somewhere packed, hot and noisy.
And yes, I am aware that this makes me sound really miserable and reclusive. I’m not that bad, really. ;D
xo
Alex
Yes! I’m glad I’m not the only one who deals with people not believing I actually enjoy staying in. It’s not bad at all!